Undone (Vino and Veritas) by Leslie McAdam & Heart Eyes Press LGBTQ

Author:Leslie McAdam & Heart Eyes Press LGBTQ [McAdam, Leslie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sarina Bowen’s Heart Eyes Press LLC
Published: 2021-08-11T16:00:00+00:00

22

Jason

My grip’s firm on the steering wheel, although inside I feel jolted to my core. Like I’ve been shaken and now I’m a blank gray Etch A Sketch waiting for someone to draw a new image on me.

Only, is that image gay? (Bi? Pan? Something else?)

The ringing in my ears stops, and I blink and look at where I am. I’m not sure how I got here. Must have been some sort of internal directive.

I’m parked in the lot behind Vino and Veritas. The back door is open. Light emanates from inside, like it’s alive.

And I’m out here wondering if I belong in there. Not because it’s inclusive and friendly. But because of those rainbow flags in the windows.

I need to go talk to Murph, but I have to figure out how I feel and what to say first.

Is my sexual orientation something I’ve been ignoring—consciously or not—for years?

I’ve always been open with my body. Sex is fun and natural. Does it matter who I do it with?

To my surprise, the answer that comes to me is both yes and no. They duke it out in my mind.

I’d figured the answer was no. As long as I’m having sex with a consenting adult who’s into it—preferably really into it—it doesn’t matter who I sleep with.

But maybe the answer is yes, it matters who I touch. Because maybe I want sex to mean more than it has. To not feel as empty as it felt—feels—when it’s just sex with no heart.

So, what if the person I’m touching is a guy? Could I do that?

A rap on my window knocks me out of my thoughts.

A man crouches down and looks in my window, smiling.

I roll down the window—thankfully the rain’s tapered off—only now realizing I hadn’t turned my car off. I’m not sure how long I’ve been parked here.

“Hey, gorgeous. You okay? You were here when I arrived, then I went outside and noticed you hadn’t moved. I wanted to see if you wanted to come in with me.” The guy’s tone is light and flirty and oh my god, I’m being picked up by a guy. While my first inclination is to be shocked, I take a deep breath and stare at him. Time to try out this new … identity.

“Um,” I say. Eloquently.

His smile falters. “Are you all right? You’re not waiting for someone, are you?”

Is it just me, or is he brazen? And his confidence is giving me confidence. Because I could do this, right? Ask a guy out?

Or do I only want one specific guy?

I gulp and gaze at him, not sure if I’m grimacing or smiling. “I’m not sure,” I say, honesty coming out. “I just ended up here.”

“If you make up your mind and decide to go in, I’d be happy if you wanted to end up with me.” He shrugs. And then he looks again, really taking in my face. “You are okay, right?”

I nod repeatedly. “Thank you. Yes. Sorry. I’ve just. Um. Had a weird night.

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